IllogiNews:Horoscopes for March, 2011

This article is part of IllogiNews, your sauce for chips and sausages.

Here are your horoscopes for this fine month.

• Aries - In Soviet Russia, cake explodeth you!
• Taurus - Them there Brits will force you to eat eel stew and pies with meat. Bring an exploding barf bag.
• Gemini - The stars predict you're gonna go on a pizza binge and never wake up again.
• Cancer - Get stuck in a traffic jam and die after going on Encyclopedia Dramatica.
• Leo - Your Gramps ain't gonna love you no more. What ya gonna do, cry about it?
• Virgo - Caution: Your brain's gonna asplode. Please wear protective goggles.
• Libra - Simple English Wikipedia's gonna go down, and you're going with it! Please proceed to the door over there. Not there, a little more to the right. There ya go.
• Scorpio - MOAR!
• Sagittarius - This is not an insignificant edit. Please plant this dough on your head to proceed with being a complete failure.
• Capricorn - You will throw up on your date next week. Prepare to be shot down by the KGB.
• Aquarius - Your big toe will be eaten by a group of piranhas. Just give up now.
• Pisces - So, you think yo mamma can dance? Too bad. Get beaten up by a fat jock.
• Ophiuchus-I hate you, you hate me, let's burn down a bunch of trees. Get attacked by Jimmy Fallon and his steel bar on the way.