At first there was nothing. Lots of it. Absolutely loads of nothing. not much is known about nothing, for as soon as we know something about anything we no longer know anything about nothing. Or something. Anyway, eventually after vast amounts of nothing had happened, something happened. Again, we are a little sketchy on the details here, let's just blame the economy for now, but this something resulted in the creation of everything. With the appearance of everything came the loss of nothing.
The first things to evolve were young-earth fundamentalist Christians, who upon gaining the ability to talk immediately denied evolution had ever existed and threatened to burn down anything that said otherwise. Within two hours, 17 heathen microbes and two rocks that were touching inappropriately had been strung up and set alight. Despite their incessant burning other species DID eventually begin to emerge, though an admin error at the Amazon delivery office meant earth had to endure a further 6-8 week waiting period before it could progress from plants to animals.
Eventually, after some very strongly worded emails were swapped, Earth did receive its animals. These were simple beings, with 5 legs, 8 faces and the original oldschool iPods. The massive ones. Eventually one of these creatures was born with 4 legs and only 3 faces, and outlived it's kin due to it having less face to carry when running from angry Christians who wanted to burn it because it believed in sex before marriage. This was to be the start of a chain of Evolution which would one day produce the biped often single-faced species known today as 'He-Mans'.
Up until the time of the dinosaurs evolution had worked on a slow and tedious basis; organisms had to defeat millions of likewise organisms in carefully officiated combat in order to gain a set of 8 gym badges. With these badges filling their pouches they then had to journey into the mountains and defeat an elite quadruplet of trainers before they could finally progress into a slightly stronger, similar organism. This would often take thousands of years, and many species gave themselves up to extinction when their saved progress was inevitably deleted by a curious 3 year old.
After 4 games of this enough became enough, and change was needed. Following hours of fruitlessly searching eBay the earth received a prompt from Mediawiki, asking if it wanted to update its evolution software. Seizing the opportunity, earth ticked the terms and conditions box without reading, and began installing a more gradual system of evolution. Replacing the previous level up scenario, every generation would automatically become a slight improvement on the last.
The next section of this article will be written in a poor attempt at Swedish Chef: oor ddee eevolushun, in der primoor-dee oozen! Dee aaneemoolen mit dee baybee und dee leetel animoolen roon aroonden! BORK!
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