Brushing Your Teeth in a Godly Manner
Greetings, evangelical Illogicopedians! And welcome to yet another edition of How God Wants You To Perform Everyday Household Tasks. Last week we debated how much detergent God wants you to use when putting your clothes through the rinse cycle (remember, spilling detergent, especially Tide, means ETERNAL DAMNATION). This week we shall analyze how God would like us to brush our teeth.
One of the burning questions that has plagued religious researchers for years is which side of the mouth God would like us to start brushing our teeth on. Another debated question is which brand of toothpaste God prefers (disagreement over this issue led to a brutal crusade in the dark ages that left thousands of people dead and countless toothpaste factories pillaged). We briefly considered the question of dental floss, but during our research we discovered that that question had already been answered with the lesser-known Gospel of Dental Floss, authored by one of the less well-known disciples, Finster.
We at first believed that God wants us to all begin brushing our teeth starting on the right side of the mouth. Jesus's head leaned to the right when he was crucified. We logically theorized that, in leaning his head to the right, Jesus was sending mankind one last, desperate message: "Brush your teeth on the right side, and your soul will be saved!" However, doubt soon set in amongst our scholars. What if Jesus bent his head to the right in remorse? Remorse that he had neglected that side by starting on the left all his life? This debate is still unresolved, and will be the subject of sermons for years to come we are sure.
As for preferred toothpaste brands, we made some remarkable discoveries. We found that some brands are unnacceptable in God's eyes, and will surely lead to eternal damnation. Crest toothpaste is unnacceptable, because the word "crest" sounds fairly similar to the word "kill." Therefore when God says, "Thou shall not kill," he was implying, "thou shall not use crest toothpaste." Rainbow-patterned toothpastes should be avoided, because rainbows imply homosexuality and the Bible says that God hates gay people. It really does say so in the Bible, right next to the part about stoning women to death if they cheat on their husbands.
We ended up consulting the Bible for weeks and developing an all-new, God-approved formula of toothpaste. As you read this article, the God-approved toothpaste is being shipped to your local God-Mart, the only supermarket chain in which all products are guaranteed to be seen as acceptable in the eyes of God. Get your God-approved toothpaste today, and be one step closer to the kingdom of heaven--and heavenly, sparkling teeth!
Please join us next week when we discuss keeping God in your heart when using your vacuum cleaner!