"Bert says 'hi'," says Bert.
It's all relative, of course. Bert's brother, Bert, fathered Bert Jr., nephew of Bert II. Thus, the relative of Bert can and shall always be Bert, rather smelly if you ask me.
 Bert family tree
Imagine an oak tree, large, strong, and relatively aged, sprinkled with relatives here and there, great-great-great grandpa Bert perched at the roots, giving birth to all of the Berts above him, fathering all Berts from there on. The dogs in the tree are even titled Bert, along with the women and butlers.
Think of it this way: A tree, nearly dead but with a substantial amount of leaves, some dying and some dead, each with a name tag reading "Hi! My name is: Bert". A rather solemn and grim image if you ask me.
 Ask me anything!
Considering it pertains to anything Bert. Yes, Bert is now an adjective. No, you do not have to pay me for making it so.
|Bert bert Bert bert bert bert Bert bert.|
—A complete sentence, according to Wikipedia.
Bert sounds like a pretty fishy fellow, if you ask me. But you're in no position to ask me. I'm 3000 miles away from you.